Maybe Baby and “Our” Birthmom! {aka: Adoption Update & My Hero Has Appeared!}

by GfG on January 26, 2015 · 19 comments

0 Flares Twitter 0 Facebook 0 Pin It Share 0 Email -- Google+ 0 0 Flares ×

This post is pretty big news. Yes, pretty stinkin’ big.  It’s also a bit surreal.  How God may be writing our adoption story is atypical, but we smiled with little surprise when we received the text.   We knew instantly what we would do.  Friday, a long time friend and now a birthmother moves in with us.

Yes, seriously.

As I shared in my Maybe Baby post, I have been ready to adopt for almost eight years.  I have had to learn to trust God and His leading in many different ways during this wait.  My idea and picture of what adding to our family would look like has not matched God’s will.  Yet, He is the Only One always faithful and trustworthy.  His “plans and ways are higher” and I fully believe that.  This pattern in our adoption journey, God’s ways looking different than mine, has proven true again.

A friend of twenty-four years texted me Thursday, January 8th and said she is pregnant.  She is not in a place, emotionally, physically, or financially to parent. She is also not in the place emotionally or physically where she can live alone while pregnant. So, because we are life-long friends and we love her, she is living with us temporarily.

She has stated since the first conversation that she desires to place her baby with us in adoption. We are fully open to that.

But… her living with us for short term help is not dependent upon that. Not at all. She knows this and believes it.  She is early on in her pregnancy, so there is lots of time ahead to think and be confident in her adoption decision.

This is Maybe Baby’s photo at 8.3 weeks gestation, which I shared on Instagram a couple of weeks ago (if you don’t follow me there, you should!  I share more often on IG… gratefulforgrace).

Maybe Baby Photo 1

Is this a bit crazy?  Maybe.  I’m sure it will seem that way to most people, especially those that don’t know us that well.  I believe it will make sense to those who know her and us both.

I will not be stating her name here on the blog on on Instagram, not because she doesn’t want me to, but because I feel it’s appropriate for her well being short and long term, in regards to the birth father, and for MaybeBaby.  I won’t elaborate, but I’m sure you could see why taking that step would make sense.  We (all of our family members) are also no longer friends on Facebook, for the same reasons.

We have shared this information with a few in real life friends already and their questions may be yours.

So… here are some Maybe Baby FAQ in regards to Birth Mom and Her Living With Us:
1.  How far along is she?  She is only 10.4 weeks right now.  Yes, that’s a bit early for moving in with us, but her health issues necessitate it. I would ask you to pray for the health and development of the baby and for Birth Mom’s health.

2. How long will she live with you?  She will be with us up to one month postpartum.  She is in a wheelchair most of the time, so her recovery will not be typical.  We do not want her moving out too quickly for her physical recovery.  She stated herself that she wants me to “be sure I start [my] mommy bonding” and that she “needs to get started on life and what that looks like”.

3. Are you really ok with this open of an adoption?  Well, yes, in that I really believe and see God’s hand in this.  So many years of friendship, mentoring, and investing in her life and her in mine seem to have led to this point.  I initially wanted a closed adoption, but my time with our agency staff has shown me why that isn’t healthy for the birth mom.  And this is as far from closed as one can get. Oh, the irony.

4. How will this look long term? I am not really sure right now.  She agrees that there will be one mom.  Everyone in our family knows and loves the birth mom and will know she is the birth mom, so keeping that from baby won’t really happen. I have learned that it isn’t best to keep that information hidden from MaybeBabe.  They key is how the relationships are handled.  We have sought counsel and advice from our agency and they have helped us.  We will figure it out.

5. Is the birth father on board for adoption? And her family? The birth father is in full support for adoption.  Her family (sisters and dad, her mother passed away years ago) was caught off guard, but is supporting her decision, some more joyfully that others, which is completely understandable.  They love her and want what is best, knowing this is also her decision.

6.  Is this an agency adoption or private adoption?  This is now a private adoption.  Yes, there are still plenty of fees and expenses, but if this is the route, it will be much less expensive.  Our name is off the agency list while the plan is for us to adopt.

7.  Is this definite?  No.  Just like all adoptions (agency, private, international, or foster to adopt), nothing is definite until the papers are signed in court after the birth of the baby. While Birth Mom seems fully sure, until she signs the papers in court and the birth father does the same, this baby is hers.

8.  Are there health concerns that are outside of your “acceptable possibilities”?  No and yes.  Yes, there are health concerns.  Birth Mom is forty-two years old and has never had a baby.  This puts the baby at high risk for Down Syndrome and other issues.  On our forms with the agency, we stated that we would consider Down Syndrome. We only put “no” on three concerns: fetal alcohol syndrome, sexual acting out (I know, crazy that we had to answer that when adopting a baby, but we did), and medically fragile.

So, two of our “no”s are not possibilities.  The third is, but honestly… that would be a risk we would face when “matched” with any birthmother before birth.  The only time we would know this concern in advance would be if we were “matched” after the baby was born already and in the hospital.

It’s also a concern we could have faced every time we were pregnant.  No one is guaranteed a healthy baby. No one is guaranteed no medically fragile child.  No one has guarantees in this life.

I won’t deny that I have thoughts that flicker across my mind about what we could face as parents, but I had them every time I was pregnant.  And it seems God wants me to be sure I know that parenting a child, no matter the number of chromosomes, is worth it and has reinforced that idea strongly in the last ten years.  Is that in preparation?  I have no idea.

Maybe Baby

9.  Is your home ready for someone in a wheelchair?  Yes and no.  We thought it was.  When we were house hunting, we were committed to a home that either was or could be easily made accessible.  This house has the kitchen, dining room, living room, one bedroom, and one bathroom downstairs.  We had a friend in a wheelchair test the bath and bedroom and she got in and out fine.

We didn’t know that our local friend’s chair is small.  So, we have had to widen the doorways to that bed and bathroom and have had to remodel the bathroom for more accessibility. God, in His sovereignty, had someone donate five moths ago with house concerns in mind and that donation has paid for almost half of the cost. The rooms are almost ready and will be by Friday.

There is more to this part of the story, but it gets its own post.

10. What is this going to all look like?  I really don’t know.  I know it will be loving, and difficult, and painful, and fun, and bonding, and crazy, and…. covered in the peace of God.  We move forward in faith, trusting God’s leading and His Providence that has made these first steps clear.  We believe He will continue to direct our steps.

This friend is not just a friend.  We met at camp when she was seventeen and I was twenty.  She lived with  me for a week during my first year of teaching.  She replaced me when I resigned my teaching position because I was ready to be a stay at home mom.  She invested in Daniel and all of our children.  She has been at many family holiday get togethers and most birthdays.  She has been at most of my births.  We can say just about anything to each other.

So, there is our news.  Pretty big, eh?

Birth Mom arrives Friday.  Our family is excited and nervous about it all.  Just like a pregnancy.

When she sent me the sonogram photo two weeks ago, I wept.  I have wondered this entire time how I would feel when we were “matched” for real.  Would I feel fully reserved?  How would it feel compared to taking a pregnancy test?

I can tell you without a doubt that it felt just like seeing a positive pregnancy test.

I’m not naive.  I know that this could still prove not to be our baby, but either way… I’m loving him/her already.

And loving is rarely wrong.

And I’ve loved this birth mom for twenty-four years.  She is now My Hero, just like I said she would be in my Maybe Baby post.  From here on out I will refer to her as such or MH (my hero) as opposed to Birth Mom (BM… just can’t use that abbreviation, thanks to a mom who was a nurse and lots of medical background).

So… maybe it’s Maybe Baby.  Either way, we enter a new and highly unusual season in our life and we covet your prayers.

Pray for Maybe Baby, My Hero, and us? 

Dear Long Term In Real Life Friends, I hope you have figured out who the birth mom is based on the facts I’ve shared!  Please don’t use her name here. Thanks!

Dear Adoption Haters, Your comments will be deleted immediately by my husband and I will never see them.  You will gain no ground since he sees absolutely no validity in your hatred, so how about not even commenting?  In love, Mindy

Announcement 2 WEB

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
0 Flares Twitter 0 Facebook 0 Pin It Share 0 Email -- Google+ 0 0 Flares ×

Previous post:

Next post: