11 Ways We Can Respond When Rejected By Mommy Circles or Friendships in General

by GfG on October 22, 2014 · 4 comments

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Rejection is a part of life.  It’s a hard truth, but we can’t deny it.  It comes in many forms: being passed over for a job, not making the team,  and not being welcomed into a circle of friends.  I sure wish I could say that this last kind of rejection was for junior high only, but it’s not.

And to be fair, everyone has a right to be friends with whomever they wish.  {that lesson was ingrained in a mighty horrid way}

Once a woman was nervous about inviting one of my children to something, but not other children we know.  I told her, “We don’t have to be friends with everyone.  We have to be friendly.  We are called always to be kind and loving, but we dont’ have to be friends with everyone.  We connect with different people and that’s ok.”

She physically looked relieved.

Am I grateful my son was included?  You bet your sweet bippy (thanks, Mom , for that weird line) I was.

Still, he isn’t included in other circles of friends and that’s hard.  On both of us.

Lately, the painful truth of rejection from some mommy/women circles here has been realized by me.  That is never easy for anyone, but it’s especially difficult for someone who has approval issus (aka: rejection means “you are horrible” or “you are unlovable”).

Children…. and women have the right to be friends with whom they wish and this may mean that we find ourselves on the outside of a circle.  Mommy or women circles form for many reasons and we need to be aware of that.  Both to consider others and in considering ourselves.

What are we to do when we are rejected by mommy/women circles?  {or really by anyone}

Mommy Rejection Pin Final

1.  Remember that our value is in Christ.  God loves us very much.  That may sound trite (thanks, Veggie Tales), but it isn’t.  It happens to be incredibly true.  The maker and sustainer of the world loves us.  He sent His Son for us, out of love.  Amazing.

Our worth is not in what man has to say or believe about us, but in what God says about us. He calls His children, dearly loved and that is so very much worthing embracing and remembering (Ephesians 5:1 and Colossians 3:12).

2.  Search our heart for sin.  Taking the log out of our own eye is never easy or fun, but it is always sanctifying and beautiful to the Lord.  If we have been rejected for friendship(s), it is prudent to see if there is a serious character flaw that is prompting this.

Of course, we are all sinners and no one is perfect.  We are called to walk in godliness though and having sin revealed, confessing it, and walking in repentance could be the solution in preventing many rejections.  It can only help us to seek the Lord on unrecognized sin and repentance, whether or not it helps us with a mommy circle.  (Psalm 139:23-24; Matthew 7:3; James 5:16)

3.  Accept the truth that personalitiy conflicts are natural.  Some people naturally click and others don’t.  That’s ok.  We are desgined differently and we need to understand that some conflict in personalities is normal and ok.  While different personalities get along easier than others, that doesn’t mean that conflict is good.  We are to strive towards peace with one another.

I only mean that we need to accept that we jive with different people differently.  That we prefer some over others. That is ok.

4.  Seek contentment.  We should walk in the path that blesses and that may mean staying at an outskirt of a circle or leaving it all together.  We should be content where God has placed us, based on our personality, the season of our life and others’ lives, the other personalities involved, and the purpose of the circle. Pray for God’s help in this area, if necessary. (Philippians 4:11-12; Hebrews 13:5; I Timothy 6:8)

5.  Walk in kindness.  When we are rejected or rebuffed, especially when it is by a group versus one person, the natural response is to respond in kind.  Not kindness, but in the same way the mommy circle is treating you: rejection and maybe even rudeness.

But, no matter how much our hearts hurt, we are never given permission to be mean.

This may take some serious thought, prayer, and planning.  If we intersect this circle often, then we have to be proactive to respond in the Spirit and not the flesh.  I’m not saying that we have to go out of our way to interact, just so we can be kind.  I just mean that we can not act rudely.  We smile, we speak kindly, we show love.  We don’t give the cold shoulder, we don’t gossip about the circle, we don’t pout.  (Ephesians 4:32, Galatians 5:22, Colossians 3:12)

6.  Take a step back.  If we are especially hurting, we may need to take a temporary step back from social situations that involve this circle/person.  We can use this time to search our hearts, to pray, to memorize Scripture, to study why we are hurting, and to make a game plan.  A wounded animal doesn’t respond well and neither do wounded women.  We often need to seek healing from the Lord before we can engage in some ways.

7.  Recognize the friends we do have or can pursue.  Rejection by a mommy circle can often bring the lie “No one wants to be your friend!” We can feel like we are all alone.  That lie can make the pain multiply.

We may need to stop and think.  Evaluate the friends we have that love us and are willing to invest in us.  We may even need to realize that some women in our lives haven’t been too close to us because we have not been intentional with them.  We should look around with fresh eyes to see the friendships we can cultivate.

8.  Pray for and forgive those who hurt you.  A beautiful and often difficult truth for Christians is that we are called to pray for and forgive those who persecute, hurt, attack, or any other ways that act like enemies towards us.  We should make the time to pray for these other women.  God can use that to draw us near to Him, to grow us, to even give us a softer heart towards these women.

If the circle or woman is being mean, rude, or even blatantly distant towards you, this will be more difficult to do.  Just another honest truth.  Still, we must pray for and forgive them.  Pray for their heart and mind in a loving way, not a “please sic it to her, Lord!” way.  Ahem.  We forgive them because Christ has forgiven us! (Matthew 5:44, Luke 6:27-28)

9.  Check for an idol.  Sometimes a rejection and the pain that follows can be key in recognizing an idol of our hearts.  While I mentioned taking the log out of our eye in checking for sinful and unattractive behavior that may be turning people away from being friends with us, another important heart check is the idol one.  If we find ourselves obsessing mentally,or  agonizing emotinoally, then an idol may be at stake.

God will tolerate no idols in our hearts.  He will discipline and rebuke them until we are humble and we tear them down.  The friendship idol is one that I have had to battle since my parents’ divorce.  I became peer dependent quickly and that has since been an issue.

If we realize that something is an idol in our lives, there are steps we can take.  We don’t necessarily need to stop having friends (as opposed to the pornography idol… get rid of all of it!), but we need to view them biblically.  They are intended to sharpen us, encourage us, equip us, challenge us, as well as give us opportunity to bless, equip, encourage and sharpen others.  They are not to be central in our lives and they are not to bring us our contentment.

Christ is that.  Period.  (Exodus 20:3-6; I John 5:21; I Corinthinans 10:14)

10.  Refuse to be Hamans.  In the book of Esther, Haman was obesseed with one man’s rejection.  It consumed him.  It caused him to hurt others.  And it killed him.

When a friend or mommy circle rejects us, we can not allow that rejection to consume us.   Sure, it may be appropriate to meet with the friend(s), especially if we were previously close or if there is a sin involved that seems to be either heinous or a pattern for the woman, but we can not harp on it, insist on the friendship, or demand control.  Becoming Haman is ugly.

Let the friendship go, lovingly, and seek God’s face, comfort, counsel, and fellowship.

11. Serve others.  Sometimes we need to just let go of the desire to grow in friendships and we need to just serve, expecting nothing in return.  This may mean that we focus more intentionally on serving our family, husband, church, parents, community, or even friends that can’t egage right now.

I’m not condoning the idea of escapism (ignoring what we need to do by doing other things) nor the idea that friendships aren’t supposed to be a part of a woman’s life (that’s another kind of self centeredness).

I mean that we may need to just work for a bit. Work by blessing those who need you or can be blessed by your work.

Rejection is a part of life.  We need to remember that and we need to teach our children that.  We can not and should not expect everyone to embrace us, hire us, want us, or choose us.  That’s pride, plain and simple.

That doesn’t mean that rejection doesn’t hurt.  We can make the most of that pain though and we can glorify God with our heart, mind, and actions.

Mommy circles can be beautiful places to grow and glorify.  Finding the one where we are accepted and can participate is a great gift.

HCHSA friends

We must pursue them for the right reasons and release them for the right ones too.

How have you used rejection to grow and glorify?

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